Why I Should Probably Never Have Children of My Own

So today a friend of my father's told us an amusing anecdote about a kid he knows putting a condom with lotion in it on the front seat of this girl the friend's father was seeing's car. And if you followed that, you get an A+. Then he made the mistake of asking us our opinion of the situation and what we thought the proper punishment would be. Bad idea.
 
See, my dad and I, we have a view on how to treat children that greatly differs from most everyone elses. By a lot. In this particular case the kid's mom just covered it up for him (the father thought that the kid's mom had done it since she's been fueding with the girl. Also, if you followed THAT you get an A++.) The friend of my father's thought he should be punished accordingly, his idea was take away a privilege, pool, video games, TV, whatever. But he wasn't sure so he asked what dad would do if his son had done it. At which point I interrupted to say "If I had done it he'd have been PROUD!" Dad laughed and agreed. I told you we're weird. So here, for your viewing and laughing pleasure are some of the finer points of our view on disciplining kids, starting with the most important rule...
 
1) YOU CAN DO ANYTHING I DID AT YOUR AGE ONCE. This was Dad's rule with me. I found out the hard way. The first day I had my license he needed me to drive the van home while he went back to work. He told me to go "straight" home. HA! Like hell. I went to a friends house. Problem being, said friend's house was on the same street as the gas station my dad used to gas up the company vehicle... yeah, I am that stupid. When I got home he told me he saw, and that it was the last time I would do that, especially in his van. He knew I would though. And he wasn't mad, he just flat out told me that that was my only out, and the next time I disobeyed him with his brand new van he'd have my ass in a sling. That same night he bought me a used car from a family friend that happened to be selling for $500.
 
Another prime example. I went to a religious ritual the spring of my senior year, I was like, 17 tops. I partook of the ritual wine, (strawberry, how could I say no?) I then got pissed at a friend that was there and took off.... with alcohol in my system. I wasn't drunk, I was however "under the influence" of both alcohol AND rage, and very stupid. I got home fine, thank god, but I went in, avoided my parents' eyes and immediate vicinity, went upstairs and promptly threw up. Dad came upstairs and said "Okay, how much did you drink?" I played dumb, but it turns out, he's not. He told me to cut the crap, I wasn't in trouble yet. But he worked in a bar, and he knows the signs of avoidance and throwing up. So I told him I had a Dixie cup full (because seriously, that's all I had.) He actually seemed kind of upset about that. He told me never drink and drive again. To call him, and he would come and pick me up, but that if I was throwing up from a Dixie cup I may not want to drink ever again. I tend to agree.
 
2) Once you get past rule 1 rule 2 comes into play. IF YOU MUST PUNISH, AND CAN DO SO, GO FOR A FITTING PUNISHMENT FOR THE CRIME. Using the examples from above, he'd probably have taken my car keys away, or maybe made me drink till I threw up for that second one. Wouldn't have taken long, but it would have turned me off any form of alcohol right quick, so remember that. With the example I first gave, with the boy and the condom, the fitting punishment we came was putting a used "sanitary napkin" or "tampon" somewhere equivalent to the front seat, like his bed. Cruel? Yes. Unusual? Yes. Will he stop putting disgusting things in other peoples spaces? Yes.
 
3) IF THERE IS NO FITTING PUNISHMENT GO FOR THE HEART. Take away what they love most. Something fun. Computers, TV's, Video Games, Movies, an Anticipated Trip, and Swimming Rights are all great options. Sure, they'll whine a bit, but much like a dog, if you ignore them, they will shut up.
 
And remember, if none of that works well, lynching is always an option.
 
 
*disclaimer I am JOKING. This is a comedy column. As if I'd literally lynch a poor kid, put him in the stocks maybe, but I'd never kill one. At least, not on purpose.

Reality Bites

Has anyone else noticed America's growing obsession with Reality Shows? It seems like just a few years ago all there was in the way of reality TV was MTV's classic "The Real World." It became a big success as viewers everywhere became enthralled with the latest storylines. Who's mad at who, who slept with who, and of course the bitch slap heard round the world. Then everyone else caught on and now there's an endless supply of reality shows. Most of which are actually game shows, but whatever they want to classify them as is fine by me.
 
At first, I refused to be taken in by this new craze. I was bucking the system, I had a mind of my own and would not allow them to lull me into a sense of false security and embroil me in their cheap form of entertainment. So I didn't watch the first Survivor, or Big Brother 1, or The Amazing Race, or any of them. Then I cracked, around the time their second seasons started rolling around. Then I watched half of the second Survivor, just because it was on. I also watched all but the first couple episodes of Big Brother 2.
 
For some reason Survivor never hooked me in the way Big Brother did though. I never cared if I missed an episode of Survivor, big deal, they argued, hung out in the water, ate bugs, whined, argued more, and then voted someone out. Woohoo. However I did watch Big Brother religiously, and still do. It's such a perfectly challenging show, it's genius. I wanted, for the past two years, to be on it, but I couldn't til I was 21. So next year will be my year. I think I can do it. I will too, unless I have a job I really love, I will do it.
 
It would seem my love of Big Brother, and the one season of The Real World that I did watch (Hawaii), has spawned another love for me. That my friends would be The WB's The Surreal Life. It truely is surreal to watch all these B-List stars and hasbeens co-habitate! Nothing quite beats watching a star go nuts, or drive each other nuts, or try to see each others nuts. Where else could you see four celebrities trash a house and piss off their housemates by having a cake fight? No where!
 
Reality TV has become a guilty pleasure the country can share. A lot of people despise reality TV and it's popularity, but hey, I say anything that brings us together in a mutual feeling of love and hate has to be doing something right, right?

A Baby Shower And The Resulting Epihany

So last week I opened my mail box to discover a envelope with my aunt's address on it. Upon opening it I was greeted by a bold "It's a girl!" I had recieved an invitation to my cousin's baby shower. The second baby shower of my adult life. This brought about torn feelings, because I can't really afford to travel back north for it, but I want to show my support, after all, this cousin is more like a sister. At first I wondered why they'd bothered at all, but I guess they were just being polite. So I decided one polite turn deserved another and I would buy a gift, and send it to her. Herein, lies the problem, I adore baby stuff. Seeing all the little tiny clothes and cute sayings and cute little animals, I could buy everything. Despite the fact I'm not a big fan of most kids and don't really intend to have children.

So, on the invitation it said the theme is Precious Moments. So I went to the local Walmart (as the invitation said she was registered there, so they have to have Precious Moments.) I found the baby section and began browsing. First of all, has it ever occured to them to make the aisles wider? There are pregnant hormonal women wandering those aisles with carts, that's like giving them a weapon and a reason to hit people. That's not the point though. At first I figured I'd get a bib, I love bibs, they're so cute, and serve a good purpose. I wish it were still socially acceptable to wear a bib other than the plastic lobster one provided at your fancier restraunts. So I went looking for a bib. I didn't find anything I really liked or any Precious Moments for that matter.

So I happened down the next row, where I found items featuring Care Bears. Being a child of the 80's I was sorely tempted to share this with my new, second cousin I guess. I figured her mother would understand, since she was born only a year after me. However, upon seeing the obscene prices, I refrained. In the next row I happened upon a shelf of clearance items, where what should I find but a mighty expensive Precious Moments set, marked down to my price range. Joyfully I selected the one I most liked (a green and yellow number with a bib, two bottles, and a stuffed figure.)

Before leaving the area I decided to browse a little more. A few rows over I found the classic primary colored toys. I immediately located Baby's First Keys, a neccesary item as any well respected baby will tell you, and snatched them up. The next row over I found what, in my subconcious, I had been looking for. It was a teething apparatus that closely resembled the one I had owned as a child. The price was good, and even though the baby isn't even born yet, I knew I had to buy it. Why? Because I loved mine. I still have it.

Maybe it's because when I was young, and in teething pain, that being given to me would sooth me. This must have become ingrained in me early on, as now, when I'm distraught, I have the urge to chew on something cold, and frozen, like ice chips. or sometimes, I admit it, my old teething ring.

The Quest For The Perfect Parking Space

This past weekend was the 4th of July. Which of course means millions, upon millions, of fireworks festivities, each with what can seem, and sometimes literally be, millions of people in attendance. Here, the fireworks are held downtown, over the river. Due to the building heights this makes the quest for the perfect parking spot practically an olympic sport among residents. There's the prime real estate downtown, within walking distance to the street fair and waterfront. However, for that you have to get there around 5pm. Everywhere else has a little more lee-way. It's just finding that perfect spot with a view of the fireworks where you won't get asked to leave. For instance, this year I saw people literally parking on the side of a bridge, even more astounding, the road is a high way. Sure, it was a GREAT spot, but it didn't last long and the cops were STILL clearing people off when the fireworks started. There's also the more legal, but less exciting, sides of the highway. Much like Woodstock the highway is surrounded by cars. It's like one huge block party, which in itself can be fun until someone gets drunk and decides to drive and hits someone. Then there's the nearby business parking lots. Some of which are far enough away that the fireworks clear downtown's building's roofs, and provide a wonderful spot to park. Or, if you want to spend the money and truly avoid the dangerous and stressful traffic phenomena that IS traffic after the fireworks (It's all very Godzilla in my opinion) Well, then you rent a room at the Hilton, right on the riverfront it provides a good view from some rooms, or easy access to festivites and the riverwalk, as well as a place to crash for the night so that you aren't on the road with all the crazy drunk drivers.

I'm kind of leaning towards the Hilton next year, seems like less of a pain then this whole drive around and guess where to park thing everyone else is doing.