Why I Should Probably Never Have Children of My Own

So today a friend of my father's told us an amusing anecdote about a kid he knows putting a condom with lotion in it on the front seat of this girl the friend's father was seeing's car. And if you followed that, you get an A+. Then he made the mistake of asking us our opinion of the situation and what we thought the proper punishment would be. Bad idea.
 
See, my dad and I, we have a view on how to treat children that greatly differs from most everyone elses. By a lot. In this particular case the kid's mom just covered it up for him (the father thought that the kid's mom had done it since she's been fueding with the girl. Also, if you followed THAT you get an A++.) The friend of my father's thought he should be punished accordingly, his idea was take away a privilege, pool, video games, TV, whatever. But he wasn't sure so he asked what dad would do if his son had done it. At which point I interrupted to say "If I had done it he'd have been PROUD!" Dad laughed and agreed. I told you we're weird. So here, for your viewing and laughing pleasure are some of the finer points of our view on disciplining kids, starting with the most important rule...
 
1) YOU CAN DO ANYTHING I DID AT YOUR AGE ONCE. This was Dad's rule with me. I found out the hard way. The first day I had my license he needed me to drive the van home while he went back to work. He told me to go "straight" home. HA! Like hell. I went to a friends house. Problem being, said friend's house was on the same street as the gas station my dad used to gas up the company vehicle... yeah, I am that stupid. When I got home he told me he saw, and that it was the last time I would do that, especially in his van. He knew I would though. And he wasn't mad, he just flat out told me that that was my only out, and the next time I disobeyed him with his brand new van he'd have my ass in a sling. That same night he bought me a used car from a family friend that happened to be selling for $500.
 
Another prime example. I went to a religious ritual the spring of my senior year, I was like, 17 tops. I partook of the ritual wine, (strawberry, how could I say no?) I then got pissed at a friend that was there and took off.... with alcohol in my system. I wasn't drunk, I was however "under the influence" of both alcohol AND rage, and very stupid. I got home fine, thank god, but I went in, avoided my parents' eyes and immediate vicinity, went upstairs and promptly threw up. Dad came upstairs and said "Okay, how much did you drink?" I played dumb, but it turns out, he's not. He told me to cut the crap, I wasn't in trouble yet. But he worked in a bar, and he knows the signs of avoidance and throwing up. So I told him I had a Dixie cup full (because seriously, that's all I had.) He actually seemed kind of upset about that. He told me never drink and drive again. To call him, and he would come and pick me up, but that if I was throwing up from a Dixie cup I may not want to drink ever again. I tend to agree.
 
2) Once you get past rule 1 rule 2 comes into play. IF YOU MUST PUNISH, AND CAN DO SO, GO FOR A FITTING PUNISHMENT FOR THE CRIME. Using the examples from above, he'd probably have taken my car keys away, or maybe made me drink till I threw up for that second one. Wouldn't have taken long, but it would have turned me off any form of alcohol right quick, so remember that. With the example I first gave, with the boy and the condom, the fitting punishment we came was putting a used "sanitary napkin" or "tampon" somewhere equivalent to the front seat, like his bed. Cruel? Yes. Unusual? Yes. Will he stop putting disgusting things in other peoples spaces? Yes.
 
3) IF THERE IS NO FITTING PUNISHMENT GO FOR THE HEART. Take away what they love most. Something fun. Computers, TV's, Video Games, Movies, an Anticipated Trip, and Swimming Rights are all great options. Sure, they'll whine a bit, but much like a dog, if you ignore them, they will shut up.
 
And remember, if none of that works well, lynching is always an option.
 
 
*disclaimer I am JOKING. This is a comedy column. As if I'd literally lynch a poor kid, put him in the stocks maybe, but I'd never kill one. At least, not on purpose.